When you have had enough: Are they or aren’t they narcissistic?

How do you really know you are with someone on the narcissistic spectrum? 

Firstly, sadly – and this is an absolute – there is never real intimacy with this person, only the semblance of it. The sooner you lessen your contact with them, the sooner the tie to them that will always let you down will end.

The sooner you initiate your own value system, their crazy one (which has nothing to do with your well-being by the way, no matter how they sell it to you) will stop stripping away your self-worth, making you doubt everything you say and/or believe, even down to questioning your own lived experience. Confusion on multiple levels is one of their tried and true tactics. Disarming, as well as sometimes not even answering. Not answering questions, calls, or messages will be their “rule of thumb”.

Never let them run the show.

The word narcissist is now so used it is part of our everyday speak. It’s on everybody’s tongue, so how do we properly inform ourselves now?

Well, there is a lot to read and listen to out there, and hopefully, there will be some things that raise your knowledge either by hitting a nerve or resonating with you, which will be naturally remembered by you without your needing to underline it or make a note of it. 

You will either be reading this right now because you have heard a lot about narcissism, or, more likely, because someone you are involved with is repeating patterns that you are beginning to find, sadly, predictable.

How do you know whether someone’s on the spectrum of narcissism or, worse still, if they have  NPD narcissistic personality disorder?

Here are some strong clues.

Try saying no to them! Watch their response. If it is anger or prolonged sulking, that is a huge giveaway. You are most likely dealing with someone who has this disorder or is on the spectrum with significant traits.

'No', is something they cannot tolerate and they will also use manipulation by whatever means too. 'No', signifies autonomy and boundaries which are to them, like garlic is to a vampire!

Your autonomy is far too risky to them and for them. They like to lead and have power in this leading, even in the most subtle and covert of ways.

If you are let down by them or promised something that is not delivered, try and do the same to them and see their response – they can’t bear it if you mirror them!

These two opportunities to discover whether they are narcissistic will find you then knowing rather than wondering.

If truth and kindness is important to you and these values are yours, make sure they are instilled by you. They are lost on them. If you are struggling then please don’t be ashamed. 

If you are going through ups and downs and maybe you do not want to abandon their emotional “ship” by giving up on them (by concluding that they seem more and more to be abandoning yours, or worse still never ever even truly got on “board”) you're not alone.

Moving away from someone whom you shared something that felt truly, truly, special to you is tough. It is a loss and a time of grieving it will be inevitable.

However, pray take some comfort in the fact that the dream of really sharing that with an emotionally healthy person will remain. The dream does not have to be lost.

There will be reasons why you are attractive to these individuals. As well as reasons why they are attractive also to you. Some investigation through coaching and/or therapy will unravel these, allowing you to strengthen your self-esteem and self-care.

This does not have to be your story time and time again.

I am convinced that becoming aware is the beginning of the road home to your authentic self. Remember, that every journey begins with one step.